


When I Lost Him

by newt_scamander



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 19:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5678614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newt_scamander/pseuds/newt_scamander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I never should've sent him away. That's when I lost him. Both of you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Lost Him

When Ben was born it was a joyous occasion. Bright yellow balloons- which were strange to Leia but Han adored- covered the quadrant of the medical ward Leia had been allotted; Chewie passed out yellow flowers to passersby, growling when they attempted to turn him down.C-3PO recited facts about infancy and R2-D2 beeped maniacally whenever the baby was passed near him. Han wouldn’t put him down. He just wanted to hold him, all seven pounds and four ounces. 

“He’s great, so great. Not the least bit scruffy.” Han whispered, once the droids and the Wookie had been cleared out. 

“I disagree.” Leia said, exhaustion clear in her voice. It hadn’t been an easy birth; Ben was quite insistent upon staying in utero four weeks past his due date. “I think he is extremely scruffy.”

Han couldn’t hold in the smile. “You did so well.” 

“I know.” She smiled, the spark in her eyes. 

“Of course you do. Now get some sleep Mama. We’re going home in the morning.”

“Don’t call me that. I won’t be his Mama, he’ll call me Mommy.” She smiled endearingly, brushing her finger over a dark curl. 

“Mmmh. Very well. Good night, Leia.” Harrison leaned over and cupped the back of her neck to bring her close and kiss her. “I love you.” 

“I know.” She sighed happily and cradled her son in her arms, the boy nestling closer and wrapping his whole little fist around her index finger. Han stood up and left the ward at last, the med-droid pulling the curtains around the pair. As he left he heard Leia singing, some old Alderaanian lullaby. 

~

Ben didn’t call her Mommy. He called her Mama, much to the joy of Han. He swore he hadn’t coached him but Leia had her doubts. 

“Mama. Cake.” The three year old insisted, standing up on the table. “Cake, Mama!” 

“Eat your beans, Ben.” Leia reminded. “Here, here’s your spoon.” 

Ben took the spoon, crouching down on the table and stabbing the string bean with the ‘wrong’ end of it. “Beans!” He announced. 

“Yes. Beans. Eat them so you can be strong.” Leia smiled. 

“Eat, eat, eat.” He hummed, putting the bean into his mouth and chomping down. “Eat!” He grinned. 

“Yes, darling. One more bean.” She encouraged. 

He ate another bean, maintaining his posture until he swallowed. “Cake?”

“Yes, you can have cake.” Leia smiled, standing up and fixing the boy a bit of cake. 

“Cake, cake, cake.” Ben giggled, eating it messily. “Fank you, Mama.” 

“You’re welcome, Ben.” Leia smiled, sliding the plates into the steam washer. 

“Daddy?” Ben asked, chocolate cake speckling his pale face. 

“He’ll be home soon, sweet. Eat your cake and we’ll go get a bath.” 

“Bath!” Ben yelled, sending his cake plate flying across the room. It shattered, scattering across the floor. “No bath!”

Leia wasn’t around when Luke was growing up; she didn’t know what it was like. And Ben was much stronger than Luke had ever been. So powerful. 

He’d done it before, broken things or gotten things from across the room or completely changed Leia’s mind to get a new toy. It was scary. 

“No, no bath Mama.” Ben whispered, climbing off the table and going to her, his chocolatey face smearing against her tunic. 

“No bath, Ben.” She agreed, patting her hand on his head. 

“I’m home!” Han announced, pulling the door shut behind him. “Where’s my boy?”

“Daddy!” Ben giggled, running to him with his arms outstretched. 

Han picked him up, tossing him into the air before catching him. 

“Again, again.” Ben chanted. 

“Oh, not now.” Han sighed, settling the boy onto the floor. 

Ben pouted and stomped his foot. 

“Now, now. Look what I got you.” Han pulled a stuffed Bothan from a pocket, handing it to his son. 

“Another!” Ben gasped, running to place the toy with the rest of his B creatures.

Han smiled, walking to Leia and embracing her. “Another day.” 

Leia nodded, wrapping his arms around him. “See if you can get him into a bath. Or at least wash his hair. 

Han nodded, stepping away and noticing the shattered plate. “What happened?” He frowned. “Why is the cake that stopped an intergalactic war on the floor?”

“Just- just wasn’t paying attention. Didn’t get around to cleaning it up.” Leia shrugged.

She didn’t know why she didn’t want to tell Han, she just worried that he would take it wrong or blow it out of proportion and scare Ben. He was only a little boy and he didn’t ever mean to hurt anyone. Maybe if she could talk to Luke it would make her feel better. She wouldn’t lose her boy, even to Han. 

“I’ll go help him get his pajamas on and into bed and then you and I can…” Han wiggled his eyebrows and Leia swatted him with a dish towel.

“You can clean up the kitchen while I take a bath.” Leia instructed.

“Of course, my queen.”

“I was only ever princess of Alderaan, you know that.” 

“Yes, but you are the queen of my heart. And Ben’s.” 

Leia smiled. “Of course. You’re still cleaning the kitchen.” 

Han huffed, a smile playing on his lips. “Alright, alright.” He stood up, holding the plate shards. “I’m coming to get you, Ben.” He hollered, dropping the glass in the trash receptacle and taking loud steps to Ben’s room. 

Leia headed down the opposite hall to the bathroom, letting warm water wash over. Ben would be okay. He was her little boy and she wouldn’t send him away. 

~

Ben’s tantrums got stronger as he aged and soon, Leia couldn’t hide them from her husband. 

“Ben Solo!” Han roared, calling the eight year old from his room. 

He came excitedly, grabbing his father’s leg. “Swing me, Dad!” 

“No. Look what you did. Look what you did to your mother.” Han pointed. 

All the beautiful crystal ornaments from Alderaan had been shattered, black crayon covering the wall behind her and blood staining her hands. 

“He didn’t do it on purpose.” Leia promised.

“No, no, no. He’s eight years old, these tantrums need to stop.” Han insisted. 

“No, Mama, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Ben insisted, running to his mother. 

“Don’t touch her!” Han yanked him away, setting him at his feet. 

“Don’t hurt him, Han.” Leia said sharply. “He’s just a boy.” 

“No. He's not. He eight years old and he will not behave this way. This nonsense, it's just an excuse.” Han pushed Ben away. 

The boy was crying, reaching for his mother. 

“Han, go. Get in your ship and go. I don't care where.”

Han stared at her. “What? No.” 

“You won't threaten my son, you won't touch him. This isn't his fault.” Leia promised darkly. “Come here, Ben.” 

Ben shuffled over to her, burying his face in her tunic and crying. “I'm sorry Mama, don't make Daddy leave. Please. I'll be good.” 

“You're good. You are good, little one.” She promised, picking him up. “You're just so powerful. You need some training.” 

“Training?” Ben sniffled. 

“Yes, darling. Training. We’ll get it for you. You're going to be so strong and so good.” 

Ben nodded and buried his face in her neck. 

Leia looked up at Han, big wet tears filling his eyes. “It was a mistake.” 

“A mistake. I didn't mean it, Ben.” Han promised. 

Ben pulled away slightly, hiccuping. “S’okay Daddy. I forgive you.” 

~ 

 

The next day he was gone.


End file.
